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A “Little” faith

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If I never feel sadness I would probably take my happiness for granted.

Happiness can turn to sadness in an instant. In the same breath you could be laughing so hard there are tears, and with one sentence those tears are tears of sadness. The good thing is that another happy time will come, at some point. Once I had the faith to know that happiness will find its way back to me then and only then I could accept situations that made me sad. Although it sounds cliche’ I came to a point where I understood that I had to give thanks in all things because God makes no mistakes. I often have to tell myself this which has happened, this what has caused me so much pain, this which has left an imprint on my soul, this which has changed my life, this which has hurt me, this is for the best. No matter how much my heart hurts from a situation I told myself that it is imperative that I find something to be thankful for. Though it sometimes takes a while, well a long time, I had to in order to make sense of things.

Jonas, Little, Cuz, when I first found out that you went to be with the Father I felt a sudden sense of emptiness, hurt and worry not only for me, but for your family and for one of your best friend’s, my brother. As a young girl I watched you form a bond with my brother one that would span your lifetime. I watched the two of you hang out, wreak havoc, but not the kind that would land you in jail, the kind that young boys get into. You blended with my family and he with yours as if you two had the same mother and father. Friendship, true friendship is a beautiful thing. I feel honored to have witnessed a beautiful friendship. From walking around Pinnacle Place during the summer until nightfall, from waking me up on Saturday mornings when the whole crew was in my backyard. Two friends became brothers. I watched you two snap pics before you picked up your prom dates, while you stood “bowlegged” because you said when you are fly you have to stand a little bowlegged. From you saying “lil sis” you can’t go with the big boys right now and that I needed to stay at home. And asking me if I “had one for you”. I never met some one who smiled all the time. I mean all the time. You always had a funny story, a witty comeback and a comforting remark. I loved when you were at the house because I knew I would be laughing for the rest of the night. As we grew up, the bond between you and my brother flourished through high school, college to adult hood. I remember the cruise we took maybe 2 or 3 summers ago, when you could not stop laughing about how many pancakes Brian ate. That was fun. But now you are gone. I stared while you lay there so peaceful never thinking or preparing myself to see a childhood friend that way. I was plagued with happy thoughts and rampant sadness. I sat, simultaneously thanking God for you being at peace with Him and being angry with God for taking you away. When the casket was closing I felt as if an elephant was on my chest. My hands trembled my legs twitched. I breathed deeply and didn’t want to be hugged at the time because if I did I would have crumbled. When it was time to leave, I stepped in the isle and grabbed my brother’s hand. Not sure if I was comforting him or if I needed him to comfort me. I know that he to selfishly wishes that you were still here to come to his wedding, to see his first child born, which I am sure would have been your god daughter, to see him be the man you played a role in him becoming. The friend that you were to my brother makes my heart ache for him and smile at the same time. You meant so much to all of us. I know one day this pain will dwindle and he—we will be able to go on with our lives but never forgetting how you made us feel when you were on earth with us. We will feel happiness again. We must. They say heaven is paradise, I imagine it is, especially with a special person like you there. I love you my friend, my brother. Until we meet again…

She

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She just wants to stay black and be happy,
not condemned if her hair is a little nappy,
and then if she straightens it, you still judge,
but off her pedestal she will not budge.

She doesn’t want to be looked at funny when she laughs so hard she has to snort,
Not shunned when you think her skirt is a little too short.

She has a round face, big thighs and a little tummy,
and pretty little lips just like her mommy.

Her soul is so sweet it drips nectar inside,
And no longer does she care to hide.

Regardless of what you say,
she thinks she’s cute and for that there are a few to blame.

One her mother, two her father, whom conceived her in love
and three the heavenly father who shined from above, to make,
the perfectly imperfect mix of DNA,
made a person so full of flaws but she makes them go MIA.
When you look at her you wouldn’t even know that shes a little insecure
and not so pure —– like you thought.

She walks gracefully and at 5 feet,
she stands tall as an evergreen tree.
She’s purposeful, kind, loving and smart.
The way God created her, mimics a piece of priceless art.
Yet she remains humble, caring and meek,
but watch out she can have a little mean streak! Only when it’s needed.
She will always try to be the best she can be.
She is me.

New York SOM

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Sometimes I dream of packing up and moving to New York City,
to get lost in the hustle and bustle and see street art.
To play in the concrete jungle with the animals.
To stand in the city that never sleeps
silently,it’s too loud to even make a peep.

To be insignificant
But I can’t.
I’m afraid of what they may say.
Kinda like when you stay in the closet and won’t admit you’re gay,
For fear of repercussion
you never have the discussion.
You live a phoney life with your beard, excuse me, your wife
You have a nice house 2.1 kids and a dog, but still your head remains in a fog…

So anyway, back to me
So I sit and live a life where I constantly feel like I have already died inside,
If I don’t see New York soon I may cry,
Some wonder why,
Why can’t you just work pay your bills and die?
Because that’s not what I was made for!

So this score,

I must settle between what my mind says and what is happening in front of my eyes.
I’ve packed my bags and I am never looking back.
If you didn’t care when I was here you shouldn’t care when I am gone.
I’m leaving for New York tomorrow,
Like they say by the time you read this I’ll be gone.
What will they say? Who cares.

Happy Mother’s Day

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It’s that time of year again! That time we honor the women who have kissed our boo boos, clean our noses and gave us life. We take mom out to dinner and maybe give her a card or flower, but do we ever stop to think what a mother really is? She is more than the pretty lady who fixed your dinner or tucked you into bed. She is a an unconditional heart always there to support you even when you didn’t make the right decision. She is the woman who may have worked outside of the home so you could have somewhere to live somewhere to be safe somewhere to learn create and grow as an individual. Being with mom was safe. She put your weird drawings on the refrigerator and told you you could be anything you wanted. Some of us have become singers, doctor’s, teachers, painters, CEOs and lawyers and it was all because that little lady you call every now and again believed in you when no one else did.

Happy Mother’s Day Monday

Glass Box

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Most days I sit here in a daze,
Secretly wishing it would all go up in a blaze,
So then, I could finally be free,
Free to totally be me.
Me.
Who am I you ask?
I’m a quirky random individual full of a task,
that I have yet to master,
because I’m not quite sure what it is.

I know that its something major, huge, dare I say supreme?
Something that has to be done, something that has to come forth on this earth in this time,
but its too much bull (bleep) cluttering my mind.
So now I am unable to find that one thing that I am made for.
I do know I am a person full of creativity, kinda like when you have had too much wine and there is no bathroom in sight so your bladder feels confined, you better hold it.
Don’t let it go, people may see, your pants full of creative pee.

So I sit stuck in a glass box;
a glass box which I wish I could say was already broken.
Then I think is that really true?
Do I want to really escape? Do you?
Now that I think about it, I’m not sure I really want too.

It’s safe here in my little glass box
So I guess for the time being I’ll stay.
Stay here everyday,
I will work like an ox,
Aimlessly filing, stapling, hole punching and what not.

Red Bird

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Early one morning I heard a noise.

I walked past my couch and wondered what it could be.

I looked up and out into my back yard and saw a little red bird looking back at me.

I smiled.

It was one of the most beautiful things I had seen in a while.

Tiny little red bird with a tiny little beak.

In hopes that I could make this scene last a little longer, I turned to grab my phone.

And when I spun back around, my little red friend was gone.

I frowned.

I really wanted to enjoy its beauty just a little longer.

It seems that beautiful things don’t come along as often as they ought too.

And here I go trying to make it last longer than I needed too.

Tried to capture it instead of enjoying the moment like I should do.

Love, what are you so afraid of?

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Love, what are you so afraid of?
All I want to do is take a hold of you.
I show you I care and that I will always be there,
I just don’t know what else to do.
You always seem to come around at the most inopportune times,
times when I have forgotten all about you.
Then I have to rearrange my life and sometimes get involved in a lot of strife,
just to fit you in, and then…
then you leave again.
Love,what are you so afraid of?
I wonder why you just won’t take a hold of me.
I guess, love, me and you, just aren’t meant to be.

30 somethings PSA

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There are times in life where you need to know the truth. Unfortunately, I think it’s time for a little public service announcement. This is going to hurt a few of you, but because the girly loves you I must tell you. So prepare yourself. It may change the way you look at everything. I hope you understand I must do this. Here goes…30 IS NOT THE NEW 20. Wait don’t pass out. I know, I know you thought you would be able to wear those short shorts and stay up late and still look refreshed because somehow turning 30 meant you were 20 in your head, but you’re really 30 and oh my goodness you look a mess. I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you but you need to take yourself to bed; don’t you have to work in the morning? Yes guys and gals you have hit the mark of the big 3-0 (and beyond). I know you think by some stretch of the imagination you can go back in time and make life different by giving yourself 10 extra years. We hear it every day. They say, “ Yes, girl, you look good for 30, you know 30 is the new 20?” And to our poor guys, “Yeah fellas, 30 ain’t nothing, lets hit these streets, don’t you know it’s the new 20?” They have gone as far as…wait who is “they”? Ever notice people say that when they never heard a specific person say something? I digress. “They” have gone as far as say 30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30 and so on. Makes me wonder; is death is the new 80?

Why do we want to be something we aren’t? Listen 30-somethings, you must band together and unite before it’s too late! We have lived and learned thru those 20 somethings and made all the mistakes some 20 somethings make. Let’s “turn down”. For what, you say? Because you’re older. Yep, I said it. Chill mode time has come. Why go back and act like a 20 year old when you know with your grown self that you need to pull yourself up by the boot straps and be an adult?

Just to help soften the blow, I have compiled a list of 5 not so scientific reasons to prove to you that 30 is not the new 20 and you are actually 30 years old, say it with me “thiiiirty”. Good job. Just except it and be happy.

#1 You can’t eat fries at 2 am anymore without heartburn or it sticking to your thighs the next morning.
#2 You start referring to rude 20 somethings as young punks.
#3 You start to think it’s not cute anymore to live off mommy and daddy’s money.
#4 When someone says “yes mam/sir” you actually appreciate it.
#5 It’s Friday at 9:30 pm and you are in your jammies (pajamas) and actually nodding off.

Simply stated 30 is not the new 20. It’s ok, everyone will have to deal with it someday. So embrace your 30’s don’t act as if it is a curse to get older. Be thankful you have had that many years on earth. Love your tiny laugh lines, it means you have seen a lot of happy days. Love that strand of grey hair you have, it makes you look distinguished. Love the little stubborn pudge you can’t seem to work off no matter how many crunches you do, it means you’re blessed to have food everyday… or you’re still eating fries at 2 am. 🙂

No 20 somethings were harmed in the making of this post 🙂

Mommy Dearest

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I like to think I was a decent child. I didn’t cause too many problems when I was younger. BUT and this is a big BUT, as I aged a bit, I have gotten myself into some situations that may not have made my “mommy dearest” too proud at the time. I hear mothers speak about their children like they are little princes and princesses and can do absolutely no wrong. Don’t get me wrong that is how it should be and right now they probably are sweet little people. On the other hand, I have been told there are a lot of mothers who sometimes put down other little kids because they don’t measure up to their precious ones. Can you believe these people actually exist? I have to admit I know I have said something in the past about a child’s behavior without taking into account factors that are beyond the child’s control. Nowadays, I try to curb my tongue, especially since I am not a mother yet. I had to evaluate myself and come to the conclusion that it is not very wise to put other kids down especially when I had no idea what these children may be dealing with, or how mine will turn out. Now don’t get me wrong I know we are going to give a side eye or two when we see a tantrum going on or offer “something” to “get that kid together”. I’m talking about more serious situations that have a deeper cause than a child being a spoiled brat.

There may be a reason why this preteen is sending pictures to your son of places that should remain covered until she gets into the shower. Do you know she was molested by her older cousin’s friend for years and that is the only way she knows how to get attention? Oh yeah, and we haven’t discussed what your little sweet boy sent in a text to her. Ok, ok before you start yelling at the screen: In no way do I condone this activity or think it should go unpunished, but instead of telling everyone at the PTA meeting maybe you should cover her in prayer. Or at least try to speak to her parents privately about the situation.

The little girl on your daughter’s soccer team jersey looks a little dingy. She’s a happy little girl who wants to play soccer with her friends. Her reality is that her father kicked her mom out 2 weeks ago and cleaned out her bank account. They are now penniless and living with the grandmother who can barely take care of herself. Forget paying to wash clothes they need to eat. Why not wash it in the sink you say? Water’s off this week.

The little 16 year old down the street is fighting again. Before you holler “ghetto girl” you should know that her parents have not been home for three days, again, and someone just tried to take her little sister’s lunch. There is no more food in the house.

You can do the best you can to raise your sweet little girl along with her biological father whom you are married too and living with in your perfect little 3 bedroom house. Be wise mam’, know that she will grow up. I’m not saying she will turn into a tramp but be careful what you speak about other little girls or boys for that matter. the bible says, “train up a child…” and you know the rest. And I believe in that. Although I didn’t “depart from it” I sure took a little break from time to time. Also, be careful of saying what you will and will not tolerate. You never know what you will do until you are put in a situation. My mother was the perfect example of what a woman should be and I have never had “daddy issues” as my father was always in my life. But there are some things; a few people may be able to attest to, that I did that wasn’t so sweet. At times I was not conducting myself like a lady. Shucks sometimes now I can get out of pocket.

Although I do not have children, I do have a soft spot for kids and I know how I was, and how I turned out was only by the grace of God and being blessed with a mother and father who weren’t critical of others. So, the next time you judge, oh yes there will be a next time, be sure to extend the same grace and mercy you would want someone to extend to your child. You never know when you will be on the other side of the bars. you never know when you will have to pick your child up from a “drunken stupor”. You never know when you will have to hold your child’s hand in the clinic. You never know when you will have to save your child from embarrassment or stigma, so in the meantime focus on saving someone else’s.

Deep in the back of the closet everyone has at least one wire hanger.

Matthew 7 (1-3)