Old Rugged Tire

True Story. Sometime in April 2018, I needed a tire.To be honest I needed one before that, but I did not feel like the wheeling and dealing at the dealership, nor did I want to go to a tire store to face more unnecessary aggravation. I didn’t really need a tire to go on my car at the time, just one to replace the spare I recently used. When I purchased my car a few years ago it came with a full size spare so I try to keep that in there. Anyway, back to the story. I went to see my parents this particular weekend in April and although I am a full grown adult, my parents tend to worry about me. I guess parenting never stops. I mentioned I needed a spare tire and of course my mommy is looking at me two kinds of crazy for traveling to their house with out one. I asked my daddy would he mind taking my car and purchasing a tire for me, remember baby girl did not feel like the aggravation. So, I pull out my money for the tire and some gas, he may as well fill it up since has the car right? I tuck the cash in an envelope with a note, “one tire and the rest gas thank you!” I place it on the kitchen table right next to my keys so daddy can see everything in the morning. Of course as he walks out the next morning without the envelope (on purpose) and refuses to take it after I try to chase him with it. An hour or two later daddy returns and says to me, “your tire is in your trunk under the mat where the spare goes and I filled your tank.” I thanked him, offered to pay him once again again and was rejected of course.

It’s been over two months and I never checked to see if that tire was where it was supposed to be. I just trusted that it was. Daddy said he had done what I asked him to do. I had faith that when I need that tire, it will be just where my daddy said it was, ready to be used.

This is the kind of faith our heavenly Father wants us to have in Him. Though we can’t see Him or how He is working out a situation we must believe He is there. We have to have faith that whatever we need whenever we need it will already be in place. Father’s Day just passed and I was thankful as I am every day, that I have an earthly father I can have faith in. I have faith that he loves me, will always be there to help and guide me even though he’s already raised me. I still go to him for advice and wisdom. I will never stop learning from him. He has done a substantial amount for me growing up and as an adult and if he could give me the world he wouldn’t. Wait what did she say? I know that’s what you were thinking. Although my daddy has given me more than I could ever ask for he wouldn’t give me every single thing. Instead he taught me how to get it myself, so when he is gone there will be no doubt in his mind that he has raised a strong yet gentle kind self sufficient woman. But while he is still here he wants to still be “the daddy”. And that’s what daddies do, they take care of their baby girls. I know he likes to do things for me but he never wanted to make me dependent on him. Just because I can do it doesn’t mean I have too. Not while daddy is around! I’m a daddy’s girl forever and always but because of him I am also a woman. Thank you daddy.

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The Other Woman

I was the one there when you cried at night and you could not explain what was wrong
Yet you love someone else now like they never did anything wrong
And don’t get me wrong I am happy for you, but it still hurts because of how much I love you.

And you too  in and out of my life in what felt like an instant.
I don’t even know if you are okay and you don’t care to tell me
I was just a pit stop in your journey
But I know you were happy when you were with me

I always thought of the day that you would leave me because I knew you would.
They never stay.
I invest all this time. The headaches the mental anguish. But I knew what I was signing up for. You made me feel like I was special that I meant something to you. The look in your eyes in the morning made me feel like we were the only two people in the world that mattered. But in time you will forget all about me. You will wake up to another. All the love, hugs and kisses and time. Oh the time…

As happy as you were when you would see me. As sad as you were when you are not with me. I still felt like just the other woman.

And now you too have left me. Now what am I to do. Do I give my heart, mind and time to another? Or do I just continue to live happily empty and painfully protected.

I decided I couldn’t stand the pain of being just the other woman again. I must carry on with my life and in time my heart will grow stronger. And one day when it’s time I can maybe try to think about letting another in.

I hope she treats you with kindness, patience, compassion and care. I wish I could see you, talk to you or just hold you in my arms again. Just for a moment…

Dedicated to S&S

Until Death Do Us Part: Happy Anniversary

One summer day a man decided he could make a woman’s life better. Although it would not always be sunshine he figured he was strong enough to hold her hand and lead her in the darkness. He thought he may not have much now, but he would so his best to provide for her. He would keep her safe. Safe. He would love her when her body changed, when her teeth began to shift, when her hair began to gray. He would love her when she fell ill and could not get out of bed. He would love her forever. He knew what he wanted. He wanted her. He wanted to respect, cherish, uplift and to make her happy. He not only loved her, he valued her. He could not promise she would have all of the finest clothes, shoes and country club memberships but he could promise to love her unconditionally. This woman wasn’t perfect. But she was beautiful, not just physically, but her mind was beautiful. She was smart, caring and kind. No, he wasn’t perfect either, but I think she saw the God in him. She saw past all of his inadequacies and not so good habits. She saw his heart. He asked and she said yes. She said yes I will be your wife. She said yes to going in blind not knowing what lie ahead. Yes to broken promises, yes to pain, yes to times without money, yes to things she would never be able to share with anyone. Yes to sacrifice. But then again she also said to dependability, consistency and passion. Yes to loyalty and sincerity. Yes to complete open honesty. Yes to being the most important person in his life second only to the Heavenly Father. Yes to being put on a pedestal no one could ever take her off of. Yes to prayer when things got to be too much to deal with. Yes to arguments but yes to “I’m sorry”. She said yes to cooking his favorite meals, yes to rubbing his back after a hard day. Yes to washing his dirty, sweaty, stained clothes as he slept. Yes to continually lifting him up in prayer even when she didn’t feel like it. Yes to bearing, rearing and caring for his future children. Even when he made her worry she still said yes. Even when he disappointed her she still said yes. She said yes to her best friend, her closest confidant. She said yes to love. If her soul ever was to be tied, his soul was the one she needed to be tied too. She said yes. I’m so glad she did. Had she not said yes I may not be here to say yes to that man who someday will propel my life to greater things I never dreamed of. Had she not said yes, I may not have known how I was supposed to be loved. Even though I act like I don’t know sometimes. Had she not said yes, I would never know how to cherish another person so much that I know when something is wrong just by the way he is sitting. I’m so thankful she said yes. She said yes and one day I will say yes too. Because of them, I to desire to marry my best friend. To have that safety, that love, that bond with my husband. I desire to care for another human being above myself. I desire to be selfless. On that summer day my daddy asked my mommy to marry him and all his imperfections. He asked her to accept all his good and all his bad as he would accept hers. Sometimes love really is all you need. If you have true, deep, genuine, unconditional love everything else falls into place.
What God has joined together, let no one separate. (Mark 10:9 NIV)
Happy Anniversary Mommy and Daddy. 41 Years. To be continued…

Seven Years Old

Once I was seven years old. If there was a problem in life I didn’t know it. I was joyous, full and loved; that was all that mattered to me. And I had a Sarah. She had pale skin full of freckles, red shoulder length hair with a crooked little bang and talked with a lisp. We laughed and played until we were out of breath sometimes. We had no worries just snacks and sunshine. Running barefoot thru the freshly cut grass in swimsuits and shorts. Life was perfect. Every moment was smiles, giggles and girly squeals. I was saddened when I learned that she had to move.I would always remember Sarah.My time with her taught me that love had no color.

Once I was 9 years old. I met a little girl with a big smile. The tiny tall girl sat on the end of a couch quietly smiling nervously. She was new to the neighborhood which was overrun with smelly preteen boys so I was so happy to have some estrogen around. I believe I had on those glitter stripped knee socks and purple shorts. I was a quirky, shy, short 9 year old with a high pitched voice. As different as we were on the outside our hearts connected and we became fast friends. She is one of the best friends I ever made. Me and this little girl spent countless days walking each other half way home and running back home to see who could call who first. Our relationship went beyond the neighborhood girls hanging out. She accepted me for just who I was. I remember packing her sandwiches when she “ran away”. She was my closest confidant, a sister who didn’t share my DNA. I would do anything for her. I wore those glitter knee socks a lot that summer and she never judged me or tried to change who I was. Today she is still my best friend although our lives are extremely different it never changed her love for me. She taught me it’s whats on the inside that counts.

Once I was 18 years old and I went off to college and met a group of ladies that would put an imprint on my soul. My cavalry. I’ve experienced so much with these brave women. They came from many different backgrounds but somehow we had a connection that couldn’t be explained. I experienced some of the best and worst times of my life surrounded by these strong independent chicks. Sleep overs in crammed dorm rooms, pot roast and pork chop Sunday dinners, parties, God, addiction, Cancer, abuse, and even death. These ladies and the things we experienced together shaped my very being. I felt I could trust them with my life. They stuck closer than a queen bee to her hive. We became family when our families were miles away. Yes, we have spread out over the years and gone on to live separate lives, but one phone call and I know each and every one of them would be there for me, in a black sweatsuit if needed. That’s when I learned that blood isn’t always thicker than water, try mixing it with dirt.

Once I was 35 years old and I met a girl who would forever change the way I looked at the world. She wanted nothing from me but to love me. She was one of the cutest people I ever met. She was short with poofy hair, slightly pigeoned toed with a million dollar smile that could light up any room. She had become a part of me. Everywhere I went she went and I hated when we had to be apart. We had Saturday morning adventures, summer time road trips and lazy Sunday afternoons. I thought life would end when she went away. I had never felt my heart literally break into pieces. I thought I would die. I actually wanted to because I thought after all I had been thru and put myself thru in 35 years I just didn’t want to deal with the pain.
That’s when I learned that we teach people to love but we do not teach people how to stop loving. That’s hard. And unfortunately something we are just going to have to deal with it.

Memories good and bad I am thankful for them all.
*you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.

*Philippians 4:8-9

I was inspired to write this blog after listening to a song: “Seven Years Old” by Lukas Graham

Perfect Patty

Perfection perfection I always try to be. Perfection Perfection I now realize is not in me.
Though I strive to be perfect for he she and me. I finally realize perfect is something I will never be.
I tend to make them mad when I am just trying to help.
I make mistakes, say the wrong thing and with this fire tongue, make some melt.
I say things and don’t realize until later how the recipient felt.
Sad thing is sometimes I don’t care, that’s just how the cards were dealt.
Just one day, no wait maybe just an hour,
I wish everything was perfect, no sad feelings no reasons to cower.
I could love who I wanted to, open honest and true.
I’d have all my real friends with me and my sweet baboo.
I’d smell flowers with no sneezes and eat just what my tummy pleases. Cheese milk and of course bacon too.
Oh wouldn’t you love one perfect hour or maybe even two?
No tears, no loneliness, no emptiness inside.
No secret depression, suicidal thoughts or no unheard cries.
Just perfection with no need to seek that unwarranted affection.
No fights, no arguments, no name calling or strife.
No dangerous secret desires no secret sins.
Everything would always be out in the open and at the game of life my entire family would win.
Perfection perfection always hiding from me, perfection perfection is something I will never see.
I still wish everything was perfect but perfect is not my life.
If perfect was a dollar I wouldn’t have enough to buy a fifty cent pie.
There’s only one perfect thing I’ve found. Yes just one. His name is Jesus, you know, yeah, the Father’s Son.
So Perfect Patty I will still strive to be. For if He is in me that is all the perfection I need.

Focus: December 29, 2015

Random Tuesday thoughts. Yes. I am super excited about 2016, but today I am also excited about December 29, 2015. You say what’s so special about today? I say what’s so special about January 1, 2016.Yes I have an expectation of the things a New Year can bring. But I can’t forget about the blessings of today. Today may be the day all my dreams come true. So, today while many rush away the last few days of 2015, I will focus on the beauty, possibilities, and coincidences of today. December 29, 2015. I will focus on how many today are braving the freezing snow, but the sun decided to peak out at me through the cotton like clouds and warm my cheeks. Today I will focus on how beautiful those birds were in the morning sky, soaring scattered, yet in perfect harmony. Today, I will appreciate how easy it was to get downtown. I will focus on how I did not pass one accident during that morning commute. Today I will focus on how calm I am. I will focus on how God will speak to me thru a soft whisper while I trot about. He will let me know that time is my most precious commodity and I should cherish it. I am in a state of wonder about what will happen today and how it may be connected to my tomorrow. Today, with all I have to do, I will remain at peace. Today, I will focus on being the best version of myself. As they say each day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present. Remain present today and Happy December 29, 2015.

Love, what are you so afraid of?

Love, what are you so afraid of?
All I want to do is take a hold of you.
I show you I care and that I will always be there,
I just don’t know what else to do.
You always seem to come around at the most inopportune times,
times when I have forgotten all about you.
Then I have to rearrange my life and sometimes get involved in a lot of strife,
just to fit you in, and then…
then you leave again.
Love,what are you so afraid of?
I wonder why you just won’t take a hold of me.
I guess, love, me and you, just aren’t meant to be.