I was the one there when you cried at night and you could not explain what was wrong
Yet you love someone else now like they never did anything wrong
And don’t get me wrong I am happy for you, but it still hurts because of how much I love you.
And you too in and out of my life in what felt like an instant.
I don’t even know if you are okay and you don’t care to tell me
I was just a pit stop in your journey
But I know you were happy when you were with me
I always thought of the day that you would leave me because I knew you would.
They never stay.
I invest all this time. The headaches the mental anguish. But I knew what I was signing up for. You made me feel like I was special that I meant something to you. The look in your eyes in the morning made me feel like we were the only two people in the world that mattered. But in time you will forget all about me. You will wake up to another. All the love, hugs and kisses and time. Oh the time…
As happy as you were when you would see me. As sad as you were when you are not with me. I still felt like just the other woman.
And now you too have left me. Now what am I to do. Do I give my heart, mind and time to another? Or do I just continue to live happily empty and painfully protected.
I decided I couldn’t stand the pain of being just the other woman again. I must carry on with my life and in time my heart will grow stronger. And one day when it’s time I can maybe try to think about letting another in.
I hope she treats you with kindness, patience, compassion and care. I wish I could see you, talk to you or just hold you in my arms again. Just for a moment…
Dedicated to S&S
Perfection perfection I always try to be. Perfection Perfection I now realize is not in me.
Though I strive to be perfect for he she and me. I finally realize perfect is something I will never be.
I tend to make them mad when I am just trying to help.
I make mistakes, say the wrong thing and with this fire tongue, make some melt.
I say things and don’t realize until later how the recipient felt.
Sad thing is sometimes I don’t care, that’s just how the cards were dealt.
Just one day, no wait maybe just an hour,
I wish everything was perfect, no sad feelings no reasons to cower.
I could love who I wanted to, open honest and true.
I’d have all my real friends with me and my sweet baboo.
I’d smell flowers with no sneezes and eat just what my tummy pleases. Cheese milk and of course bacon too.
Oh wouldn’t you love one perfect hour or maybe even two?
No tears, no loneliness, no emptiness inside.
No secret depression, suicidal thoughts or no unheard cries.
Just perfection with no need to seek that unwarranted affection.
No fights, no arguments, no name calling or strife.
No dangerous secret desires no secret sins.
Everything would always be out in the open and at the game of life my entire family would win.
Perfection perfection always hiding from me, perfection perfection is something I will never see.
I still wish everything was perfect but perfect is not my life.
If perfect was a dollar I wouldn’t have enough to buy a fifty cent pie.
There’s only one perfect thing I’ve found. Yes just one. His name is Jesus, you know, yeah, the Father’s Son.
So Perfect Patty I will still strive to be. For if He is in me that is all the perfection I need.
If I never feel sadness I would probably take my happiness for granted.
Happiness can turn to sadness in an instant. In the same breath you could be laughing so hard there are tears, and with one sentence those tears are tears of sadness. The good thing is that another happy time will come, at some point. Once I had the faith to know that happiness will find its way back to me then and only then I could accept situations that made me sad. Although it sounds cliche’ I came to a point where I understood that I had to give thanks in all things because God makes no mistakes. I often have to tell myself this which has happened, this what has caused me so much pain, this which has left an imprint on my soul, this which has changed my life, this which has hurt me, this is for the best. No matter how much my heart hurts from a situation I told myself that it is imperative that I find something to be thankful for. Though it sometimes takes a while, well a long time, I had to in order to make sense of things.
Jonas, Little, Cuz, when I first found out that you went to be with the Father I felt a sudden sense of emptiness, hurt and worry not only for me, but for your family and for one of your best friend’s, my brother. As a young girl I watched you form a bond with my brother one that would span your lifetime. I watched the two of you hang out, wreak havoc, but not the kind that would land you in jail, the kind that young boys get into. You blended with my family and he with yours as if you two had the same mother and father. Friendship, true friendship is a beautiful thing. I feel honored to have witnessed a beautiful friendship. From walking around Pinnacle Place during the summer until nightfall, from waking me up on Saturday mornings when the whole crew was in my backyard. Two friends became brothers. I watched you two snap pics before you picked up your prom dates, while you stood “bowlegged” because you said when you are fly you have to stand a little bowlegged. From you saying “lil sis” you can’t go with the big boys right now and that I needed to stay at home. And asking me if I “had one for you”. I never met some one who smiled all the time. I mean all the time. You always had a funny story, a witty comeback and a comforting remark. I loved when you were at the house because I knew I would be laughing for the rest of the night. As we grew up, the bond between you and my brother flourished through high school, college to adult hood. I remember the cruise we took maybe 2 or 3 summers ago, when you could not stop laughing about how many pancakes Brian ate. That was fun. But now you are gone. I stared while you lay there so peaceful never thinking or preparing myself to see a childhood friend that way. I was plagued with happy thoughts and rampant sadness. I sat, simultaneously thanking God for you being at peace with Him and being angry with God for taking you away. When the casket was closing I felt as if an elephant was on my chest. My hands trembled my legs twitched. I breathed deeply and didn’t want to be hugged at the time because if I did I would have crumbled. When it was time to leave, I stepped in the isle and grabbed my brother’s hand. Not sure if I was comforting him or if I needed him to comfort me. I know that he to selfishly wishes that you were still here to come to his wedding, to see his first child born, which I am sure would have been your god daughter, to see him be the man you played a role in him becoming. The friend that you were to my brother makes my heart ache for him and smile at the same time. You meant so much to all of us. I know one day this pain will dwindle and he—we will be able to go on with our lives but never forgetting how you made us feel when you were on earth with us. We will feel happiness again. We must. They say heaven is paradise, I imagine it is, especially with a special person like you there. I love you my friend, my brother. Until we meet again…